I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
