Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My room smells like vodka and shame
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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