You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
