i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
