I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
