the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
