I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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