It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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