so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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