the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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