she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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