May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
