Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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