brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
