if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
