All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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