oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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