The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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