The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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