Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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