I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
