When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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