Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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