So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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