thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
