Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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