He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
