So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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