Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
