i just sent this text using only my big toe
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
