I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
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