You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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