So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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