I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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