I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
