I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
