I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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