why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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