so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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