i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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