im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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