In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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