Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
