I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
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Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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