Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
