The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
