also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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