why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
