im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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