Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
