btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
