The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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