dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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