I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
