thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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